The Gallows: Act II (2019) - Hung, Drawn Out & Poorly Executed.

Directed By: Travis Cluff & Chris Lofing, Written By: Travis Cluff & Chris Lofing, Starring: Ema Horvath, Chris Milligan & Jono Cota.

Over the last few years, I have developed a great deal of affection for Blumhouse pictures and much of its content. More often than not, I find that I have really enjoyed a Blumhouse production.

Last year saw them release the latest Halloween movie and if you skip back and read my review of that, you will see how much I loved it. This year I reviewed a little movie called Sweetheart. I knew nothing about that film going in and I loved that too.

There are plenty of movies in the Blumhouse back catalogue that deserve a sequel. The Gallows is not one of them.

If you have somehow avoided The Gallows, then good for you. Keep it that way. The Gallows is a story of a bunch of amateur actors who produce a play that hasn’t been put on for 20 years since the last time it was produced, an accident caused the death of the cast. Needless to say, resurrecting said play is a bad idea and the present-day actors end up dying all over the place. It’s a very dull affair and not worth your time.

Charlie says "Please tell your mummy before going out to hang your friends."

So, the burning question is, is The Gallows Act 2 any better? Well, yes. It is a better movie than the first. Sadly, that’s like saying drowning is better than burning to death. I don’t want to experience either.

Heres a quick rundown of the story. Young Auna Rue (spellcheck refuses to believe that that is her name) played by Ema Horvath, transfers to a prestigious acting school with the ambition of one day seeing her name in lights. She also spends her free time trying to become Internet famous in the form of vlogging.

Auna.., no sod it, I’m going to call her Anus as my spellchecker seems to prefer that. So, Anus stumbles across something called Charlie Challenges. The basic idea is that you summon the spirit of Charlie, a hangman who goes about his poltergeist-like duties while you film it, thereby generating millions of YouTube hits for yourself.

Something's just aren’t worth the fame as Anus soon discovers when Charlie’s haunting grows more ominous by the day until Anus finds her life in danger.

There is plenty more happening, plot-wise and there is a twist at the end which I won't spoil. Not because I want to savour your enjoyment of the film, but because it was boring enough having to watch the film, let alone having to write about it afterwards. Any typos from here on are because I fell asleep at my keyboard.

Having read the script, Anus couldn't believe she had signed up to star in this piece of shit.

Act 2 suffers mostly from having a bunch of dumb characters doing some dumb shit. Anus lives with her sister, who makes sculptures from mannequins. As you can imagine, a house with mannequins everywhere sounds like a whole host of nightmares. Well, as the haunting grows worse with each passing night, Anus still insists on wandering around the ‘NOPE’ house to investigate strange occurrences without turning on one single light. It’s ridiculous. I’m 6ft tall and weigh over 200 pounds and even I would be tooling up and switching every damn light in the house to the 'on' position.

What makes my disdain for this film obvious is that given its subject matter, I have had every opportunity to make some joke about characters being well hung, yet I can’t be fucking bothered.

If you’re looking for a good movie from Blumhouse, this isn’t it. The output is such that there are plenty of decent movies to check out. Failing that, spend 90 minutes pressing an angle-grinder against your teeth. I guarantee you a better time than sitting through this visual garbage.

I’m not a holy man, but I pray that this film does badly enough to ensure that we don’t get lumbered with an Act 3. Maybe relationships between West and East will break down enough that a nuclear war saves us from any more of these cinematic dog toffees. I would rather be vaporised by an atomic explosion than sit through another of these movies.

The only good thing to come out of watching this film is that I now know how to tie a noose.