Directed by Howie Dewin
Starring: Louie The Llama, Pinki Brainweis, Jaques M Felin.
The first thing that popped into my mind when I read that Llamageddon was about a killer Llama from space, that fire lasers from its eyes; was a videogame, from the early nineties, called Llamatron.
In the game, players controlled a Llama that fired lasers. Sure, that one was trying to save the Earth, from aliens, but the similarities are there.
The game was silly, yet great fun, and I was hoping for the same from the movie.
Things start off strongly with a nice little animation that shows the Llamas on their home planet. They hatch from eggs…wait…what?
OK, we’ll just let that slide as it’s pretty damn funny, and carry on. So, they hatch and then climb into their spacecraft (that look a lot like the sort of trailer that would normally be used to transport livestock) and launch off to far–off planets.
Unfortunately for this particular Llama, it comes to Earth and ends up in an extremely poor low budget movie. The sort of movie that you would probably put in the same pile as things like Birdemic.
I don’t hold the low-budget nature of the movie against it, everyone has to start somewhere, and low budget flicks are often great and inventive fun. It can be really entertaining seeing how filmmakers work around budgetary constraints in interesting and unique ways. Just not in this film.
I can ignore the issues with the light changing between shots, and even the odd audio issue where they had to record in post, due to sound problems, but there are a lot of other things that are just plain lazy.
Like a scene where they don’t bother with the ADR, and just punch in the original dialogue, weather problems and all. This is really jarring when it happens as lines suddenly pop in, surrounded by a welter of hissing wind.
The fact that it only happens in one scene, just smacks of laziness.
Speaking of the dialogue, there is some very badly written stuff here, with no consistency.
For example, a scene at the start pretty much goes as follows.
Grandma: Oh look a Llama
Grandad: Yeah. It probably belongs to the neighbours. I’ll tell them in the morning.
5 minutes later – Grandma: Did you tell the neighbours about the Llama?
Actually, that doesn’t look that bad on the page. Maybe when it was written, it was supposed to be funny? But it sure as Hell wasn’t delivered that way.
Anyway. The plot centres on Floyd and his sister Mel, who have just returned from a funeral and are going to spend the night in their recently deceased grandparents’ house.
Because that makes sense.
“OK kids, I know we’ve just been to your grandparent’s funeral, but now you have to stay in the house in which they were mysteriously murdered. Bye, stay safe.”
Again, that may have been amusing on the page, but it wasn’t on screen. In fact, the little dialogue moment that I ad-libbed just there; was probably better than what was in the actual movie.
A lot of line delivery in the film is just downright awful, especially from Flloyd. There is a moment when his mum mentions that he’s a bed-wetter, and he replies in the most obnoxious whiney voice ever put to screen.
It’s almost similar to Cartman when he blurts out “But MoooOOOoooom.”
Anyhow, back to what there is of the plot.
Oh wait, there is one more thing that is really bugging me. Why are Flloyd and Mels’ parents clearly older than the Grandparents? I know this is set on an isolated farmstead, but there must have been some extreme cases of inbreeding to bring that possibility about. Their grandparents look like they’re in their forties, whilst their parents seem to have a good 10 – 20 years more on them.
Right. Where was I? Oh yeah – the plot.
So, Mel decides the best thing to do straight after the funeral, is organise a party. Floyd is against it, mainly because he is a whiney fucking annoyance, but Mel insists and phones about 80 people to invite round.
So with a house full, of about 10 people, the party gets underway.
But it won’t be all drinking and debauchery for this bunch as there’s a space Llama on the loose.
Again, that sounds like fun, but it, really, really isn’t.
There’s a scene where Mel and another character are discussing Flloyd and their plan to get him laid. They sneak away to tell each other about a girl they have lined up for him and how they need to get them together so that they can…
Well, for some reason, rather than just say, “Get laid” or simply, “Fuck.” They both break into a weird slow dance, with some supposedly funky/sexy music playing. It’s one of the worst moments I’ve seen put to film in a long time. It’s almost worth watching the film, just to see how horribly bad the scene is as those two wobble about, for well over 2 minutes of film.
It is so downright cringey, lockdown is probably the best thing that's happened to the actors as then at least they haven't had to show their faces in public.
I've worked in a hospital, and occasionally someone with mental health issues, or dementia, or because they simply don’t like me, attempted to throw piss at me, and that is still preferable to watching that scene.
The only saving grace to the film and a moment that actually made me laugh; was when a character got stomped to death by the Llama. There were some prop Llama-legs, that thumped down on them, repeatedly, and actually had me laughing out loud.
As for everything else…
There is so, so much I could go on about in regards to how bad the movie is that I could easily double the length of this review. Things like the character with the constantly changing t-shirt that was probably a mistake at first, and then they went with it because someone thought it was funny. Or the “sex scenes” that involve folks just wiggling their tongues over their lips in grotesque close-up. And, of course, the horror-fans, discussing Evil Dead that can’t even quote Army of Darkness correctly.
For some people, this will be a blast, just for how bad it is. But for others, you really should just stay away. The only saving grace is that it’s currently free on amazon prime. If you have the right group of people and enough alcohol, you’ll probably have fun deriding the movie as you watch it, but if you just want to settle down for something low budget yet entertaining, then you would be much better off looking elsewhere.
The movie is only about an hour and ten minutes, but it’s only entertaining for ten of them. In fact, the best way to watch this movie is to watch the end credits as the film plays during them at high speed and is actually manageable that way.
So, yeah. That’s my recommendation. Watch the credits and see the movie play at high speed. It will be over in a few minutes, and you won’t have wasted your time.
In summary – A ca-llama-ty, that’s worse than having piss thrown at you.