Updated: Nov 16, 2019
If I’m honest, I don’t really know what I was expecting. Having previously sat through the first two Hell House LLC films, it’s as if my alcohol frazzled brain somehow thought, “hey this could be alright.”
Hell House LLC (2015) told the story of an old, small town, American hotel called the Abaddon. In 2009 tragedy struck when 15 people died under mysterious circumstances while attending a Halloween, haunted house tour there. A while later, (I don’t remember how long a while) a documentary film crew decide to visit The Abaddon to try and dig up a few answers. They pitch up at the abandoned hotel and surprise, surprise, it all go tit’s up and people start to die.
Told in the style of hand held, documentary, nausea inducing, Shaky Cam, (and believe me, it’s shaky), and with talking head segments thrown in, the film does have it’s moments. There are a few genuinely creepy scenes but over all it feels cheap and shoddy.
Hell House LLC 2 - The Abaddon Hotel (2018) takes place 8 years after the tragedy of the first film and for some godforsaken reason, a new crew of film makers decide to investigate the hotel. I honestly have no idea why. It’s not as if the events of the first movie were interesting enough to warrant a second investigation. But for the sake of offering up some fresh cannon fodder, this is the story we get.
Anyway, it goes tit’s up again, Blah, Blah, Blah. Dead Morons. The End..
Except it isn’t the end. Nope, some genius decided that what the world really needed was a part 3. If anyone happens to have the address of the aforementioned genius, I suggest storming their abode with torches and Pitchforks.
So, your humble and long suffering reviewer sat down in the vague hope that Hell House LLC 3 - Lake of Fire would offer up something new. Something that would make me sit up and think, “okay, yeah, I see it”..
Hell House LLC 3 - Lake of Fire is the Movie equivalent of sending your meal back, in a restaurant because it tastes like shit, and getting the exact same meal back.
Basically, because the reporter in the second film died while making her documentary, in a place where everyone seems to die, the company hires another reporter to take her place. They then proceed to send her back to where she and every single, other person who have gone, end up dying. Their company insurance must be through the roof.
It turns out that some, self made, Millionaire, Douchebag has brought the Hotel and has re-opened it as a scare attraction called Insomnia. Well guess what? It all goes tit’s up and every fucker starts to die.
There is nothing I can say to recommend this film. The acting is atrocious at best. The special effects are laughable. Even the make up is dreadful. The Actor who plays the Millionaire Douchebag sports a scar across his face after having been injured in a car accident years earlier. The Scar in question is hilariously bad. It seems to have been stuck on using a kids Playdough set. The Demon, type, extras shamble around with all the talent of actors who actually work at scare attractions.
Not one, single, character makes a sensible decision throughout the entire Movie and each and every one of them deserves to die.
Now I know what you might be thinking. “those who can, do and those that can’t, criticise”. Well I know that I can’t make a decent Movie so I don’t. I am gifted with the foresight that has sadly alluded the makers of this disasterpiece.
If this review makes me sound bitter it is simply because I am approaching my mid 40’s. Time is something that has become precious to me and I could have spent my time far more wisely. I could be smelling fresh flowers, hugging puppies or tasting fresh water as it trickled down from a Mountain. Instead I wasted 2 hours on this.
In all seriousness, as a Movie Reviewer, I don’t like not having anything positive or constructive to say about what I am reviewing. There is, sadly, nothing about this film that struck me as a positive, except maybe the bit where it ends.
I have suffered greatly to bring you this review. I am a Hero and I deserve to be hailed as such.