Search

Die, You Fucking Cunt! by Sean Hawker - book review.




Die, You Fucking Cunt! is an extreme novella that was also released under the title of The Captive Dwarf. The difference in the title, as far as I’m aware, depends solely on where you purchase your copy. Buy it from Amazon and, you’ll have the friendlier title. Purchase it through godless, and you’ll be getting that wonderfully offensive version instead.

I happen to like both titles. Captive Dwarf tells you precisely what the story is about, whereas Fucking Cunt pretty much gives you more of a feel for the tone.

So if the title offends you, you should know that this is not the story for you.

For everyone else, strap into your highchair as I give you low-down on Die, You Fucking Cunt!


Les and Marjory are a dysfunctional couple who have been trying for a few years now to have a child. Or rather, Majory would like a child, whereas Les couldn’t give a fuck. Also, he’s hampered in truly giving Marjory what she wants due to his low sperm count. He’s more than happy to let Marjory indulge her fantasy by letting her play with a doll and pretend it’s a baby. Still, Les loves his wife, and he’s more than happy to give her a real ‘mummy’ experience. Unluckily for down on his luck dwarf actor Gary, this means that Les is going to lure him to their house with the false promise of an acting gig.

It’s not long after entering the grubby residence that Gary finds out the truth as he is forced by the deranged couple into playing the part of their child - complete with a potty, bedtime stories, and teddy bear pyjamas. Trapped and at the whims of the deranged couple, Gary must fight to survive and escape.


If you couldn’t tell from the title and my synopsis, Die, You Fucking Cunt isn’t a story that takes itself seriously. And a bloody good job it doesn’t either because the book is as hilarious as it is fucked up.

I almost felt guilty for laughing as much as I did. Almost.

The majority of the humour derives from the absurd shit that Gary has to endure, even on his way to Les and Marjory’s house when he gets mistaken for a child. From that to then having the couple of mad bastards chanting for him to squeeze out a turd whilst he sits on a potty. It’s all very un-pc, which is one of the draws of extreme horror. It’s not just about coating the pages in viscera or other slippery bodily fluids. It’s not just about making the reader cringe so much that their sphincter puckers defensively. It’s about meeting the line in the sand, pissing on it, and then carrying on with your journey.


The thing is, even now, as I write this review, I’m smiling at the memory of the story. Sure, it’s absurd, but in a way that has enough plausibility, in the realms of the story, to ground it in reality. Gary, bless his little heart, does his best to try and extricate himself from the situation he’s in, but Les is one big mean fucker who will do anything to stop him from escaping.

As for what’s in the toy box…well, as Pandora learned, some things are best left unopened.


Die, You Fucking Cunt! was my first taste of Sean Hawker’s work, and I can’t wait to read more.

Just like Gary, the book is short but packs a punch where it needs to.


You can find the story on Amazon UK


and also at Amazon US


and of course, you can find it with that wonderfully offensive title over at Godless